Heidi, Yawl!

A primer for foreigners to the Lone Star State

By Dean Meadors

Okay, Bubba, so it was a bad day.

The boss strolled in and made you an offer you couldn’t refuse: either move to Texas or get fired. You acted cool. You said you’d talk it over with the missus, which you did.

Monday you walked in with a straight face and said, “Thank you for this fine opportunity.” But your heart wasn’t in it, was it? You didn’t really want to come. Old neighborhoods are hard to leave. They fit like a glove after awhile. You know where everything is and everyone knows who you are.

You’re thinking about never seeing your favorite barber again. The laundry finally does your shirts right…and you’ve learned the best dishes at every local restaurant. Too bad, Bubba. You’re in Texas now, and you’ll never be the same again.

But first, there’s some things you need to know. Nothing that will actually kill you, but a few things that will ease the adjustment into the most unique state in the Union. Welcome to our country…er, state. I’m Dean, and I’ll be your guide.

First, I’ll assume you’re from some place north of here, which seems pretty safe since most everywhere is north of here. Secondly, I’ll assume you’re approaching this move, if not with enthusiasm, at least with an open mind. That may be risky, but I’ll assume it anyway. And finally, I’m going to assume you do not own a pickup with a loaded gun in the back, in which case you don’t need to continue reading. You have the true heart of a Texan.

The most important thing for you to realize initially is that Texans have great pride in their area. Sure, people everywhere have pride in their states, but here “pride” is a little different.  To describe it as large isn’t quite adequate. To describe it as HUGE doesn’t really say it either.

Texas pride is gargantuan. It is mammoth. It is planetary. It is all-encompassing and all-consuming. And it is not—under any circumstances—to be trifled with. You may think people back home were proud of their areas, and I’m sure they were. It is very commendable. But the word “pride” does not begin to express the love true Texans have for their state. It is fierce, and it deserves your respect and your caution.

Do not, for instance, tell the story about the Alaskan and the Texan talking about size in which the Alaskan finally says, “Be quiet, or we’ll cut ourselves in half and you’ll be the third largest state.” Under no circumstances should you tell that joke.

Here’s a few other things you need to understand.

You will occasionally be called “Bubba” even if your name is Lance. In fact, I’ve already done it twice. It’s meant affectionately, so answer when called. You may also be called “Yankee” from time to time. This isn’t affectionate. Pretend they’re talking to the guy behind you.

You will want to get a razor blade and scrape the “I Love New York” sticker off your car bumper. Don’t even ask why. In fact, better yet, replace it with one that says, “Love New York? Take I-30 East.” Now you’re starting to fit in.

Don’t be baffled by things you haven’t seen before. The tire tracks through the grass medians and alongside the freeways aren’t necessarily accident sites, for instance. They are where pickups sometimes choose to exit anyway, apparently in retaliation for Texas highway planners who select exit ramp locations by lottery.

You may see a passenger in a car next to you drinking beer while riding down the highway. Back home, this was a definite no-no. But here, it’s perfectly legal, even recommended if you happen to be sitting on North Central Expressway in Dallas, which is mostly all you can do on Texas’ most notorious highway.

Sometime soon you will see a woman on television named Ann Richards who will claim to be the Governor of Texas. She really is! She is also known in the Lone Star State for her hair, which sits piled rather high on her head. This is because, as her hairdresser once said to a reporter, “We rat the tar out of it. We spray the hell out of it. We stand it up. We defy gravity.”

Whenever you enter a new country—in this case Texas—language can sometimes be a problem. Being understood here is not unlike, say, being understood in Scotland. The basics of the language are similar, but the meanings and pronunciations may be different.

If someone calls you “Heidi,” don’t be insulted. Back home, that was the name of the largish girl in accounts receivable. Here it’s a friendly greeting that roughly translates into, “Howdy, how ya doin’.” Just say “Heidi” back.

The whole subject of language is a little too broad for me to cover here, so let me suggest you find a bookstore and get a copy of Jim Everhart’s book, The Illustrated Texas Dictionary of the English Language and carry it with you. Every family member will benefit. Everhart will explain that “small” really means smile, that “watt” really means white, that “riot cheer” means right here, and that “squire” is really square. Not everyone from Texas, remember, sounds like George Bush.

You’ll be delighted to learn that Texas has no state income tax, but disappointed to learn that it is now being discussed. Some normally timid politicians are actually talking about the possibility in public. There’s no income tax, of course, because we’ve got lots of oil (ohl) in Texas. Unfortunately, ohl isn’t worth that much today, and the new ohl may be a state lottery.

Please give away your snow shovels before you move. You sure won’t need them here and no one in this part of Texas is dumb enough to buy them at a garage sale. However, you will want to hang on to your ice scrapers, all of them. You’ll understand why after your first winter.

No matter what part of the country you come from, you’ve undoubtedly heard people say that if you don’t like the weather, just wait a few minutes and it’ll change. Back home, they were kidding. In Texas, it’s true.

If you don’t like airplanes, please don’t move close to D/FW Airport. This may sound a little obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people in Irving decided they didn’t like planes after they bought near the airport. Not everyone here believes it yet, but the airport is going to be expanding its runway system soon, and the airport is already landing several thousand flights a day. It’s a great airport, but it is noisy.

I’m already running out of space and I haven’t even mentioned liquor by the drink, Texas Stadium or Councilman John Danish yet. Oh well, perhaps its best to leave a few things for you to learn yourself.

One last item: Texans have a terrific sense of humor, particularly about themselves. They love life and make the most wonderful friends in the world. Texas and Texans are fun, and your new area is alive with growth and change. Now, you’re part of it.

Make the most of what you have here. The Las Colinas area is unique and satisfying. Get a copy of a book by a local Dallas lady named Laura Trim called Short Trips In and Around Dallas. It’ll provide you with a detailed list of many interesting places and events—all within 100 miles of your new home.

Finally, adopt the “can do” attitude that Texas is famous for. This is the home of many fascinating and successful people, including entrepreneurs like Trammell Crow, Mary Kay Ash, Ross Perot, and Ben Carpenter. Make the most of it. I’m sure many good things await you here.

So Heidi, Yawl. We’re glad you’re here.